Understanding Grief: Embracing the Journey, Not the Timeline

Grief is a universal experience, yet the journey is deeply personal. By allowing space for all its complexities, we can honor both the process and the love that made such an indelible mark on our lives.

Let’s Get Real

Grieving the loss of a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences a person can face. Yet, in many cultures, especially in the United States, there’s an unspoken expectation to "move on" within a specific timeframe. Medical and psychological diagnostic manuals tend to pathologize grief if a person does not process the loss in a certain time frame. Many companies in the United States still only provide 3-days paid bereavement leave. Can you imagine 3 days leave after a spouse, friend or child dies? It takes at least 3 days after a profound loss to even realize what just happened. This time frame of 3-days barely allows for the logistics of a funeral, let alone the emotional tidal wave that follows. The underlying message can feel dismissive, implying that life and productivity must resume without delay. The reality, however, is that grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and it certainly doesn’t adhere to a one-size-fits-all formula.

Grieving Across Cultures

In many parts of the world, grieving is treated with the depth and respect it deserves. For example:

Mexico: During Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead), families honor their loved ones annually, emphasizing an ongoing relationship with the deceased.
Judaism: The mourning period for immediate family members includes Shiva, a seven-day period of deep mourning, followed by Shloshim, a 30-day period of gradual reentry into everyday life, and in some cases, a full year of mourning.
Japan: Mourning rituals can last up to 49 days, with specific ceremonies on the seventh and 49th days to honor the deceased.

These practices highlight the importance of grieving openly and communally, contrasting sharply with the tendency in the U.S. to pathologize prolonged mourning as something "wrong."

Recognizing Grief in Unexpected Places, Will You Know When You Are Grieving?

Grief doesn’t always look like crying at a funeral or isolating oneself after a major loss. It can show up as irritability, lack of focus, fatigue, or even physical symptoms like headaches or stomach aches. When we experience losses that fall outside the socially accepted norms such as losing a job or a friendship or a pet, grief may sneak in without us recognizing it for what it is.

Grieving isn’t about the magnitude of the event itself but the emotional impact it has on you. Losing a job might not just be about the paycheck—it can stir feelings of failure, insecurity, and the loss of a routine. The end of a relationship isn’t just the absence of a partner, it’s the loss of shared dreams and the future you imagined. The loss of fertility and the family you planned to have, you get the point, it’s a big emotion stuffed into small expectation of full recovery.

Am I Getting Through All The Stages Of Grief In The Right Way?

My clients often ask me this question, how will I know if I’m grieving the right way? Feelings of Grief can ebb and flow, sometimes hitting hard years after the loss. While it’s comforting for some to reference the Kubler-Ross model of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), these stages are not a rigid roadmap. Grief is more cyclical than linear. You might revisit certain emotions unexpectedly or skip others entirely, or never go through these stages at all, and that’s okay.

**Why Others May Struggle With Your Grief**

One of the hardest parts of grieving is dealing with well-meaning people who want you to "get over it." Often, their discomfort stems not from your sadness but their inability to sit with it. While these reactions are rarely malicious, they can feel dismissive and isolated. Comments like "Aren’t you over it yet?" or "They wouldn’t want you to be sad" can unintentionally pile guilt on top of grief. Yet, in these situations, the response we often hear isn’t one of understanding or empathy. Instead, it’s something like, “Just move on. There’s plenty of fish in the sea,” or “Another job will come along.” These dismissive statements not only minimize our pain but also obscure the fact that these moments of loss are valid reasons to grieve

Society tends to value positivity and productivity, making prolonged grief seem unsettling or inconvenient to others. What matters most is not the length of your grief but how you are navigating it. If grief is disrupting your ability to function such as eating, sleeping, maintaining relationships, or fulfilling basic responsibilities it might be time to seek professional help. Therapy or grief support groups can provide tools to help you process your emotions.

Knowing When to Seek Help

It’s important to pay attention to how grief is affecting your daily life. If you’re struggling to function—whether that’s at work, in relationships, or in maintaining your well-being, sometimes grief shows up in anger and triggers that you had not experienced in the past and are affecting your current relationships. It may be helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor. Grieving is not a sign of weakness, but suffering in silence can make the process harder.

How Do We Set Boundaries Around Our Grief? Is that Mean?

Setting boundaries with kindness can protect your healing process without alienating those who care about you. Here are some examples of responses:

When someone questions your grieving process: "Thank you for your concern, but grieving is different for everyone. I’m taking the time I need to heal."
When someone offers unsolicited advice: "I appreciate your support, but I’m working through this in my own way."
When someone minimizes your loss: "This loss has been deeply personal for me. I’m finding my way through it one step at a time."
I know it must be difficult to see me sad at times: “but it’s all part of the process of grieving and doesn’t require any action on your part.”

These responses affirm your feelings while gently reminding others to respect your boundaries.

Therapy As A Tool for Healing

If you’re struggling with grief, talk therapy can be a powerful tool to help you process your emotions and gain insight into your feelings. Speaking with a trained professional provides a safe space to explore the complexities of grief without judgment or pressure to "move on." Therapy helps you understand that grief is not something to "fix" but something to work through at your own pace.

Another highly effective therapy for processing grief is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Originally developed to treat trauma, EMDR has proven to be an invaluable resource for people with unresolved grief.

How EMDR Works for Grief

EMDR or Rapid Eye Movement, helps process distressing memories or emotions by using bilateral stimulation, such as guided eye movements, tapping, or auditory tones. The therapy encourages the brain to reprocess painful experiences so that they are less emotionally charged. In other words, it helps us to get “un-stuck” when we are struggling with emotions that are sometimes hard to pinpoint.

Here’s how EMDR works for grief:

Identifying the source of distress: You and your therapist identify specific memories or feelings connected to your loss that are particularly painful.
Bilateral stimulation: During a session, your therapist will guide you through bilateral stimulation (e.g., moving your eyes back and forth while thinking about the loss).
Reprocessing memories: This stimulation helps your brain reprocess the memory or emotion, allowing it to integrate more effectively into your broader life experience without overwhelming you.
Creating adaptive connections: Over time, grief becomes less painful and more about honoring the loss in a way that no longer disrupts your functioning.

What is does not do: It doesn’t erase grief or memories of your loved one, but helps you carry it in a way that feels less heavy and more manageable. Many people find that after EMDR, they can think about their loss with greater clarity and less emotional pain.

I hope this blog allows you to be free with your healing process. I hope you will tune into my next edition of The Grief of Grieving, by Lorraine Swineford Associate Marriage & Family Therapist. Trauma and Relationship Counseling Center.

If you are having trouble dealing with loss of any kind, please reach out for a free 15-minute consultation to see if we are a good fit for your healing journey.

Please be kind to those who are experiencing loss of any kind, and especially be kind to yourself every day.

In upcoming editions of The Grief of Grieving:

What Would Supportive Responses Look Like From Friends, Family, or Co-Workers?

Changing the Conversation Around Grief

If You Know Someone Currently Grieving, What Would Supportive Responses Look Like?